a whole lotta feelings

Last night, as I was laying awake unable to sleep (even though I took tylenol PM... where's the justice in that?) I started to think about my feelings. This is something that I have attempted to avoid on a regular basis. I've been watching a lot of tv, answering a lot of emails, catching up on reading some blogs, attempting to do a puzzle (after all, people on the movies in mental hospitals are always doing puzzles, and I am certifiable at this point!), pretty much anything to avoid thinking. But there it was, last night, late, no tv on, Isaac soundly asleep, and I started thinking.

I haven't quite been able to understand what I've been feeling. I miss baby Kate like crazy, but I have come to terms that she is not to be in our family any more. I am not mad at her mother (I never was), and I am not really mad at her family anymore either. I am sad for Kate, for the life that she will have, but I also have hope that she will be blessed and protected. Some amazing people emerge from some pretty rough circumstances (take our YM and YW for example) so I pray that she will come off a conqueror as well.

And still, I feel... not myself. Last night my mind wandered over the events, all beginning 2 days before my birthday last September. Since that day, we have had a roller coaster of events and emotions that I was not prepared for, that I couldn't have prepared for. And then, from the day that Kate was placed in our home and we found out that her birth-grandparents were opposed to the adoption, my heart was filled with fear and anxiety. It was scary. I broke into a cold sweat anytime the phone rang, fearing it would be the agency saying we had to give Kate back. And we got that call, more than once, but then circumstances changed, the lawyer changed his mind, etc., and for whatever reason we kept her. And then another phone call came, saying we should give her back. But we kept her for a little longer still. Talk about emotional.

And the emails. Every second that Kate was asleep, and many when she was awake, I spent on the computer. Hitting refresh on my email, hoping to get an email back from her birthmom. Some assurance that things were okay, that she was going to fight this thing with us. Some days I got good news, but most days hours were spent in front of the email with nothing happening. I probably gave myself an ulcer. I know I gave myself kidney stones, but even being in the ER was a nice respite from checking the computer or avoiding the phone.

I tried to be the best mom possible to my sweet baby. It was completely and utterly harder than I could have imagined, going from being Isaac and Sara one day to Mommy and Daddy the next day. Our lives changed. It was wonderful, and we cherish every moment we were able to love that sweet baby. But it was always underlined with anxiety, fear, and worry. I couldn't have a baby shower for this sweet thing because things were so uncertain. We didn't tell our friends for a couple of weeks. A baby is something to be celebrated and shouted from the rooftops, and I stayed at home, afraid to share her with others or really even live my life. I didn't want our neighbors to see her because I didn't want to explain things if she was taken from us.

Isaac told me, when I was so overwhelmed with stress and worry and wanted to give up, "This is not about us. This is all about Kaitlyn." How right he was. I wish that I could have totally pushed the worry and anxiety out of my heart to be able to give her 100 percent of my love and attention. This is my only regret. I wonder if I had been more filled with faith and less occupied with what was coming 'round the corner, would things have turned out differently? (Is it apparent yet why I try NOT to think?)

Thinking does a little bit of good, though. I want to share a few things that people have commented on, or emailed or mailed, us that have really meant a lot to me. Oftentimes, I can't find the words for how I feel, but these people put it perfectly. They also have helped me think about things in a more constructive and uplifting way (and realize I am not alone).

From a total stranger, who also had a child taken away from her after 32 days. Her story ended happily- her baby was returned a few months later!

"How do you let your child go and the dream you thought had come true? We were devasted, broken, and couldn't believe that after 12 years of childlessness Heavenly Father would allow this to happen?! Our caseworker didn't know what to say, hadn't experienced this before, and could only remind us that birthparents have free agency. This was little comfort, of course. I cried, I ate, I gnashed my teeth, the whole grieving process and then some. We went to the temple, church, did everything expected of us but it was like walking around in a fog. If we hadn't had a dog that needed to be fed and walked, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed most days. My husband and I mourned together while the world just kept moving along as if nothing had happened.... Our faith remained intact, our testimony of adoption strengthened, but our hope dimmed. Even now, I still struggle with post traumatic stress and depression from our daughter being taken away. It's hard to put into words."

Ok, seriously, exactly how I feel- post-traumatic stress! I about jumped out of my seat today when I re-read this comment, because she hit the nail right on the head. I still hate it when the phone rings, and getting the mail makes me a little nervous since we've still been getting documents from the court and Kate's grandparent's lawyer- enough already! Our faith, too, is still in tact, our testimony of adoption has been strengthened 10-fold, but hope? It's a little dimmed.

Another comment, from a stranger. (Love those strangers.)

"After someone else's recent adoption attempt failed, I read these wise words: 'I can only imagine and believe that God knew that you were needed in the lives of this little baby and her birth mother. That you were an instrument to help them. Your amazing faith and strength, generosity of spirit and unconditional love and support were put before this child and this woman for a reason.' I am certain that these words apply to you too."

And a letter from a friend (love those friends, too!). This friend recently experienced a tragedy involving the death of her sister's fiance two days before their wedding.

"I struggled for a long time with the feeling that Heavenly Father wasn't the person I thought he was- maybe he wasn't the loving God who cares about us and answers our prayers. How could a loving God let such things happen to good people? Or, worse, have such cruel things a part of his PLAN? Didn't he have the power or inclination to stop it?.... A partial answer to some of my questions came to me in a very unexpected way- through the Joseph Smith lesson on the second coming. As I was preparing to teach I just kept thinking about why God would want to tell us about the calamities that were going to happen- particularly since the disasters were going to affect good people as well as bad. Then I felt the spirit whisper that Heavenly Father didn't want us to doubt him when tragedies happen. He knows what is happening, and chooses to let it happen, but not because he doesn't love us. And though I can't make sense of it exactly, I know that God loves me- and my sister, and you guys, and that beautiful little girl- and mourns with us over tragedies he didn't prevent....I do know that Heavenly Father loves you, and I pray that he will lead you to find some comfort and peace and, in time, some of the answers you seek."

I so appreciate each of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and testimonies with us. We need them, and they have uplifted and given us strength. (Not that I expect anyone is still reading this post, but it sure feels good to get these thoughts out of my head. Maybe the tylenol PM will work tonight. update- it didn't.)