Today marks three months since baby Kate was taken away from us. Or given back to her family? Or removed from her family? I don't know how to even phrase it, but today is the three month mark of that day.
I have moments where I am overcome with grief and sadness, moments where all I want to do is look at pictures of her and relive every moment we had with her. I miss her. I really, really miss her.
There is a new show on TV that Isaac wanted to try out last night. In my opinion, we watch enough TV and don't need to try out any new shows, but I was too tired to object, so he pressed play on the DVR and we began watching Lie to Me.
The episode started with a missing girl. An adopted girl, who they thought ran away because she wasn't able to ever form an attachment to her adoptive parents. At that point, I moaned in agony and told Isaac to turn it off. I hate that plot line. But we pressed forward, because now we had to see what happened, and I was hoping it wouldn't be that.
As the episode continued, the mother said to the woman detective, "You don't understand. You're not a mother." To which she replied, "No, but I was." She went on to explain that a year ago she adopted a baby girl in Delaware. The birthmom had 60 days to change her mind, and on day 58, she did.
My heart hurt for this character. My eyes burned with tears for anyone that has ever had this heartbreak. We can't count Kate as a part of our family- she didn't die, she isn't ours for eternity. She is living, breathing, growing; just not with us. We can't mourn for her in the typical sense, but we mourn for what could have been.
I was a mother once, too.
I pray for the day that the title will stick.
14 comments:
It will stick soon! I am sure of it! And it will be wonderful! And horrible! But mostly wonderful!
I love you and miss you and wish I could come visit and do crafty and fun things with you!
love you. hang in there. it'll happen soon and it will be everything.
nothing will ever replace kate and i'm sorry for that loss. you are an amazing mother to her still because you love her. she may not have your last name, you may not get to see her grow up but because of how you love her and always will love her, she is still your daughter. and always will be.
hang in there. let me know if i can help in any way.
oh sara, i'm sorry. so soon. so so soon!
We also ache for you and all those that are living through this kind of heartbreak. It's a grief in limbo, a loss of a child that lives on. Our love and prayers for you, always... stranger-friends.
xoxoxo
You definitely have a gift for writing, Sara. I can't come even close to imagining how it was to have this happen, but the way you write brings my understanding to a whole new level. You make me want to be a better mom.
I hate shows like that too. Our foster daughter (who's almost 9 mo now) is slowly starting to attach to us. It breaks my heart. She never knows, when we go somewhere, if she'll see us again. She's had 5 placements in a 7 mo period. I am hoping that we can help her in attachment.
I know exactly how you feel w/the loss of your once daughter. We lost this baby twice and both times my heart was ripped out of my chest.
You will get the "mother" title again and it will stick! I can't wait for that day for you and know what JOY will fill your heart!
I also know that the hardest thing about losing a baby to the birth family is hard. You don't know how they are doing. You will never know if they are happy or sad, or hurt. That was the hardest part for me. If your baby dies at least you know where they are and they are at peace, but we don't know anything this way.
Hang in there! I am here.
We're thinking of you and love you! I'm glad I could brighten your day a little with the Clooney thing.
-Michelle
Imagine me handing you a kleenex through the monitor and leaning in to give you a big hug. . . that's what I'm doing right now.
I also pray that the title will stick! I couldn't have a greater wish for you!
Hi Sweet Sara and Isaac. I was thinking about Kate today, too, although I didn't realize it was "the date." I still pray for her, that she is being loved and taken care of by someone who thinks she is as precious as we do. We will always wonder, won't we? Just remember, Heavenly Father knows where she is, and He loves her, too. He brought her into our lives for a short moment to love, and we did. You know my favorite saying, "Trust God, and believe in good things to come."
Love, Mom
Hey,head over to http://dudesruleoutloud.blogspot.
com/ see ya on the other side!
josh
Your words perfectly described our first adoption experience. While the baby was never in our home, he almost was, and it hurt so badly to never have a connection to him...an eternal connection. The words to the song, Our Savior's Love was the only thing that finally helped my heart to heal. In the verse that says, "And we are bound, to Him, by Loving Ties." Sometimes that is all we can hope for, that after this life, things will work out and that we will be bound by love.
I think about you a lot and pray for you. Much love!
I love Lie to Me. When I saw that episode I thought of you.
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