motherhood

Three years ago, I woke up on my first Mother's Day to the sound of Isaac working away in the kitchen and talking to our brand new baby girl. I came downstairs to find a perfect breakfast and our perfect Hazel waiting for me. It had been a day that was 7 long years in the making, and I remember it being everything I had ever hoped for. I wanted to shout my motherhood from the rooftops and let the world know that I was finally a mother. That day was incredibly emotional and humbling, as any adoptive mother can attest to.

About a week before this first Mother's Day, I got a phone call from a member of our bishopric. I remember exactly where I was sitting when I was asked to speak the next Sunday- on Mother's Day. My heart raced and tears sprang to my eyes. They don't ask sad, broken, infertile women to speak on Mother's Day. They ask mothers.

The next year, no phone call came and I was off the hook for talking. The year after, the phone rang and I found myself giving yet another Mother's Day talk. Clearly our bishopric thought I needed to make up for lost time. This year, on my forth Mother's Day, I got to spend the day with my own mother and have a very relaxing and lovely day (and listen to the talks instead of give one). Let's break this every-other-year pattern we have going :)

For whatever reason, I just keep thinking about that first Mother's Day talk I gave and feel that I need to post it on here. I remember when I was struggling (really, really struggling) and came across a talk that completely changed me. I mention it in my Mother's Day talk, but it is totally worth reading.

Anyway, here is my Sacrament Meeting talk I gave on my first Mother's Day in 2009.

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Today is both a wonderful and hard day for me. I am a mother through the blessing of adoption, which means that I am a mother because someone else isn’t. Five weeks ago I became a mother because of one young woman’s sacrifice and her decision to do what was best for her baby in her situation. She followed the promptings and direction of the spirit to place this child in our home, and it is because of her incredible strength and faith that I am speaking to you on this, my first mother’s day.

Because adoption is so near and dear to my heart, today and every day, I wanted to spend a few minutes to talk about it and how the Church views adoption.

Adoption has changed a lot in the past 20 or so years, from the secret, closed adoptions of the past, to the majority of domestic adoptions being open today. Studies have shown that this openness benefits both the birthmother, as it helps her to heal, and the child, who will never have to wonder where they came from. We have a very open adoption with Hazel’s birthmother, we were even able to be the first ones to hold Hazel after she was born.

 

Most unwed mothers choose to either raise their babies on their own or get an abortion. Only about one percent of unwed mothers in the United States place their babies for adoption. There are about 72,000 non-kinship adoptions every year, and over 1 million abortions performed in the United States. 

Rebecca M. Taylor, in an article in the Jan 2008 issues of the Ensign said, “While Church members lag behind much of the rest of the world in the single-parent trend, more and more Latter-day Saint unwed mothers are choosing to become single parents. Yet the official position of the First Presidency remains consistent: when a successful marriage is not likely, unwed parents are encouraged to place their babies for adoption into a loving, two-parent, Latter-day Saint home. A primary reason the Church supports adoption is that children who are adopted by temple-worthy Latter-day Saint couples can be sealed to their adoptive parents. The sealing ordinance is the capstone ordinance in the Church, and its blessings are present in this life as well as in the next"

 As President Joseph Fielding Smith  declared, children who are born in the covenant—and, by extension, those who are sealed to their parents in the temple—“have claims upon the blessings of the gospel beyond what those not so born are entitled to receive. They may receive a greater guidance, a greater protection, a greater inspiration from the Spirit of the Lord; and then there is no power that can take them away from their parents.”

I have seen, up close, the struggle of two different birthmothers. While some may say that choosing adoption is the easy way out, I can attest that adoption is not an easy way out- there is nothing easy about it. I also know that it is not an easy decision to make, and that it is not the decision for everyone. LDS Family Services is a church run adoption agency that offers free counseling and adoption services to all birthparents, regardless of religious belief. As worker for LDS Family Services stated, “Their decision will affect their child not only throughout this life but in eternity. They need to pray about it and feel peaceful about their decision, whatever that final decision may be.”

Adoption is also not always the answer for couples that cannot bear children. It took me years of studying and praying before I felt sure of my decision. About 4 years ago, I was listening to a talk given by an adoptive mom. Before adopting she was worried if she could really love someone else’s child. This too, was one of my biggest worries. I like kids and all, but I didn’t want to feel like a babysitter for eternity. She asked us to think of the one person you loved most on this earth. I, of course, thought of my darling husband Isaac. She continued, 'chances are you weren’t thinking of a blood relative. You can and you will love your adopted children.'

When it’s right, when the spirit whispers- or shouts- that adoption is the path to follow, it’s right and the love for that child comes. They truly are your own.

Hazel’s birthmom struggled when she first found out she was pregnant. Her boyfriend wanted her to get an abortion, but having been raised in the Church, she knew that was not a path she wanted to go down. She struggled when her mom first suggested adoption, thinking that she could never place a baby for adoption.

A few weeks later, she had a complete change of heart and knew that her baby belonged with a mom and a dad. She contacted a lawyer and started looking at profiles of hopeful couples. She was totally overwhelmed by the number of couples hoping to adopt, but pretty soon decided on a couple. She felt okay about her decision, but not great. Before she was able to contact the lawyer to tell him of her decision, she broke her tooth while eating spaghetti. While at the dentist’s office, she mentioned that she was pregnant and going to be placing the baby for adoption. The dentist, who happened to be Heath (who moved out of the ward a year ago), told this young woman about us and gave her our adoption website. She took one look at our website and knew that we were the parents of her child. She told us she never doubted her decision, not for a second. She was touched so deeply and profoundly by the Spirit, as was her entire family, that she was able to remain strong during the difficult months ahead. Having seen how much Arlianne loves this little baby, I cringe when I hear people say that adoption is an easy way out, or that she didn’t love her child enough. The tears that were shed, the prayers and blessings that were given, were all done out of love. Arlianne wanted to give this baby the opportunity to be sealed to an eternal family.

One writer expressed it this way: adoption is “not the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake.”

A few years back, the First Presidency made the following statement regarding adoption: ‘The President of the United States of America, has proclaimed the month of November as National Adoption Month. We endorse this proclamation and express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children. Children are entitled to the blessing of being reared in a stable family environment where father and mother honor marital vows. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.”

For over 6 years Isaac and I desired to become parents. This desire to have children was so profound it would overtake my entire soul at times. As part of our divine nature as women, we are blessed with the desire to have children. Heavenly Father knew that infertility was going to be a common struggle amongst his children, and started off the bible with a story of a couple desiring to have children. Heavenly Father knew that I, and many others, would need to hear Sarah's story. I also love the story of Rachel. Rachel and her sister Leah were married to the same man, Jacob. Jacob loved Rachel the most, but she could not bare a child. "With ever-increasing envy and mounting desperation, one day Rachel explosively demanded of Jacob, 'Give me children or else I die' (Genesis 30:1)." I believe I uttered these same sentiments a time or two!

As Elder Spencer J. Condie of the Seventy said, “In this age of one-hour dry cleaning and one-minute fast-food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel. But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” (Genesis 30:22). She was blessed with the birth of Joseph and later the birth of Benjamin.”

There are also stories of Hannah, Rebekah, Sampson’s mother, and Elisabeth. There is also the story of Pharaoh's daughter, an adoptive mother. I testify that our struggles are known by God, and he answers through personal blessings, revelation, and scriptures. I felt peace and comfort and was given small miracles when I most needed them. I testify that the Lord knows me, and each of us, in a very personal way. He loves us. God does remember us and wants to bless us with the righteous desires of our hearts, when the time is right.

Over the years, I have also learned that while children were not a part of my family yet, I was still a mother. I have been a mother for years. When I think of all the children I have loved and cared for, all my nieces and nephews and friends children, and of the youth in this ward, my heart swells with motherly love. However, there were times when I felt alienated, misunderstood, and even angry about the topic of motherhood (or the lack thereof). I’ve avoided countless baby showers and had a sweet husband who took me on vacations when Mother’s Day rolled around. I am so grateful for the women of this ward, in particular, that befriended us, and included our family when it didn’t look the same as theirs. It made our burden easier to bear. I have also needed the compassion of others in my same situation. I have found that there is no need to struggle alone. I can only pray that somewhere along my path I have helped another sister in need, as I have been so helped.

Patricia T. Holland, in the October 1987 issue of the Ensign said, “I tenderly acknowledge the very real pain that many single women, or married women who have not borne children, feel about any discussion of motherhood. Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.

I have only three children and have wept that I could not have more. And I know that some of you without any have wept, too. And sometimes too many have simply been angry over the very subject itself. For the sake of our eternal motherhood, I plead that this not be so. Some women give birth and raise children but never “mother” them. Others, whom I love with all my heart, “mother” all their lives but have never given birth. Whether we are married or single, maternal or barren, we are created in the image of the Gods to become gods and goddesses. And we can provide something of that divine pattern, that maternal prototype, for each other and for those who come after us. Whatever our circumstance, we can reach out, touch, hold, lift, and nurture—but we cannot do it in isolation. We need a community of sisters stilling the soul and binding the wounds of fragmentation."

Ardeth G. Kapp, in the Feb 1989 Ensign said,

“If I have any comforting message for you, it is this—Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel.
On the other hand, the characteristics of motherhood, which include concern for others, sacrifice, service, compassion, teaching, encouraging, and inspiring can be the noble labor for each one of us now, with or without children. The fate of each spirit in the eternities to come depends so much on the training it receives from those here and now who are willing to help another gain eternal life.

I know all too well how painful Mother’s Day can be for those that aren’t mothers. I also know many who are mothers don’t like this day because they never feel they have done enough, or are appreciated enough. Isaac’s mom would make her family do a redo the next Sunday if the celebration wasn’t up to par. But because those who long for children are so close to my heart, I know the pain and agony that can threaten to overcome, at times.

In a recent conference address, Elder Joseph B Wirthlin said, "The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness." He went on to say that while we are facing trials, we need to learn to love what comes our way. In his talk he gave three suggestions for doing this, and one of them being on focusing on the principal of compensation. He said, “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

My path to becoming a mother was not easy. At times it was downright horrible. But I have learned so much about myself and others, about my relationship with Heavenly Father, about a mother and father’s role in a child’s life, about faith, prayer, sacrifice, and the utter beauty of the sealing power of the temple. I once heard it said that “birth can give a child for time, but only the temple can give a child for eternity." How grateful I am that this Hazel can be sealed to us for time and all eternity in a few short months.

While I am so grateful for Hazel, I still feel the pain of our infertility. We humbly recognize our complete dependence on God to grant us with children. We will go through the pain and tears and beauty and love of more adoptions if it be God’s will. I can testify that God doesn’t always remove the trials from us, but he does compensate with blessings beyond measure. Looking at my daughter, I am grateful for a loving Father who knows how and when to give the best, and most needed gifts.

I am so grateful for Mothers. For my mother, for Isaac’s, for Hazel’s birthmother, for all the mothers in this ward. I never knew how hard your job was!  I am grateful for the many women that have had been examples of strength, sacrifice, and virtue. I testify that just as God remembered Rachel, God remembers each of us. I testify that He loves us, and to echo Elder Wirthin, someday every tear we shed will be returned a hundredfold with rejoicing and gratitude.